OFFICIAL(?) ANNOUNCEMENT

After careful consideration, David Tupper has decided to stand for election as a States Assembly Member.

With years of experience in finance, and with his vast skillset (including obtaining his cycling proficiency, being awarded best handwriting (age 12) and winning the prestigious “Worst dressed man in Jersey” competition), David is perfectly positioned to drive the Island into a new era: an era of odd socks, compulsory nap times and obsessively good grammar.

His key priorities:

• The Fog-Based Work Week: A policy declaring that if the Jersey Airport is closed due to fog, all work in St. Helier is officially cancelled, and everyone must go to the nearest pub until they can see the Minquiers again.
• Roundabout Priority Reform: To solve traffic at Bel Royal, a new law stating that drivers of Fiat Pandas will have permanent right of way, regardless of who entered the junction first.
• Mandatory French Confrontation: A law requiring at least one islander to stand on the North Coast once a week and shout vaguely threatening things about “our water” in the general direction of France.
• The Compulsory Three-Hour Lunch Initiative: To support work-life balance and local hospitality, all employees will be legally entitled to a three-hour lunch between 12:00 and 15:00.
• Odd Socks Solidarity Act: Every Friday is officially “Mismatch Day,” requiring all islanders to wear odd socks to work.
• The Parish Passport Scheme: Residents must carry proof of which parish they’re from at all times.
• The Ferry-Based Time Redistribution Policy: If the ferry is delayed for more than 45 minutes, islanders are entitled to loudly explain how they “could’ve swum it quicker” without fear of contradiction.
• Compulsory Pretend-Surfing Programme: Whenever the sea looks remotely wavy at St Ouen’s Bay, at least five islanders must don wetsuits and stand meaningfully with surfboards, even if conditions resemble a mild puddle.